"Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back."
Fortune cookies are the best. If only it were easier done than said.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
sinking like a stone in the sea
i never truly understood what it was like for person(s) to haunt your dreams
i've read about the dreary and ominous circumstances in books
but never experienced it myself
now that it's happening to me personally, i finally know how terrible it can get
because you have no control over it and what's there to do?
i feel as though it revolves around a person who you possibly never had any closure with
or something to that extent
both of the persons that are frequenting my dreams are ones that i have loved with all of my heart
but both of them left my life very suddenly
one gave me no reason at all as to why
the other gave me too many reasons why
i guess it's the brain's way of saying, "hey, where'd that guy go?! i miss him, bring him back!"
it's the worst thing when your brain brings up images of these persons that you just no longer want to have anything to do with
i'm like, "you're not helping, you know!"
i've read about the dreary and ominous circumstances in books
but never experienced it myself
now that it's happening to me personally, i finally know how terrible it can get
because you have no control over it and what's there to do?
i feel as though it revolves around a person who you possibly never had any closure with
or something to that extent
both of the persons that are frequenting my dreams are ones that i have loved with all of my heart
but both of them left my life very suddenly
one gave me no reason at all as to why
the other gave me too many reasons why
i guess it's the brain's way of saying, "hey, where'd that guy go?! i miss him, bring him back!"
it's the worst thing when your brain brings up images of these persons that you just no longer want to have anything to do with
i'm like, "you're not helping, you know!"
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Writing About It
I told my friends that it felt like the butterflies I had always had for you, deep in the pit of my stomach, were suddenly sick with disease. One by one I saw their beautiful array of colors rotting to all blacks, grays, and browns. They frantically flap their wings, holding on to their last moments of life, trying so hard to to stay in flight. It was like they were dying, and it was all out of my control. I really didn't know what to do regarding anything. Was I meant to treat the symptom of my disease or completely ignore it, hoping the pain would go away if not today, but tomorrow? Ignoring the matter made the sickness come out of me and I myself felt frantic, making every second without a cure seem like hours, days, weeks, years. Appetite escaped me and I began to feel as though I was wasting away. So, without really knowing what I wanted to say or what would come of it, I called you. You told me things I sincerely did not want to here. Like how you were talking to Her again and how you were going home this weekend to get together with Her. It was useless. I became more frantic than before and in the end I just wanted the conversation to be over as soon as possible. I thought the tears were going to burst from my eyes so when you asked if I still wanted to stay friends all I said was, "I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, do what you want, I don't care". Clearly, that was not the case. Soon after I apologized, and you said it was okay and that you understood, making clear how much of a stoic gentleman you can really be. I wanted something! Fire! Passion! Anger! Something! No more I'm sorry's! No more I understand's! I knew there was feeling in you somewhere! How could two people who are so in love one day, become complete strangers the next? So I cried. And I cried and I cried and I cried. Not knowing what to do, I called a beautiful friend of mine. Her voice in itself was a comfort but as she made clear what was really happening, I felt the hot tears start to fall down my face once again. "It's such a strange feeling, your heart breaking. It's like you can actually feel it. It actually hurts..". I soon said goodbye and cried some more. Laying there in a bed placed in a room where the walls are as thin as paper, I became sick with being where I was and needed to leave. So I went to a great friend. The walk was slightly calming but I was still in a terrible state. Greeted by a hug, I sat at his kitchen table letting the tears go down my face while watching him do dishes and listening to what he had to say. I am thankful for having friends who I know will always be there for me. These two and many others. The next day, I was talking to you again as if nothing had changed. You said you felt as though we were better friends than before and while this bothered me, I brushed it off. I felt so desperate for your love and attention. I poured out stories of great emotion hoping for some sort of reaction that would reignite the spark of life inside of me. But your alrights and okays did not suffice. The next day at lunch, my appetite was still sparse and I ended up crying in front of friends that I love dearly. While we were surrounded by numerous amounts of people, the only thing that existed to me was the four of us at that table and the terrible feeling in my stomach reminding me that I missed you and always would. Knowing you were going home that weekend not for me, which was normally the case, made me sick with jealousy. I hated thinking that you were happy while I was still falling down this dark pit. So, it was worked out that we would go to Church together Sunday and talk about things. Sunday was far but I feverishly took what I was able to get. After a while, it seemed as though I was feeling better and I thought that maybe things would be okay. I convinced myself I was over the crying. The next day we were talking still but it was not enough for me. I felt as though I was a nusiance to you and that the want to be in touch with me from you had completely diminished. It upset me, but I continued to go through the motions.
That night, my grandmother passed away. It seemed so unfair, that everything around me was rotting away. My faithful mother was with her everyday until the end. I felt guilt in not being there for her as much as I should have. Not just during this period of time, but through our relationship in its entirety. I always drew a line at getting close with my mother and I regret it so much. I wasn't so much sad as I was about the death but of the fact that my mother's mother was gone, and I could not imagine the grief that would bring to her and her nine siblings. I told you what had happened and was flooded again with your I'm sorry's and condolences. All I wanted was to go home but with a family that never connected on a personal level, my house was just a place I lived with people I had trust in to keep me safe. Home is where you true heart lies and to me, as I had told you previously before, home was with you. But, since you were no longer there for me as you had been before, I just wanted the comfort of a bed where my crying was not so easily heard through such thin walls in which I was residing between. The next day, I went through the day, not too upset because we were still talking, but I felt a detachment from you that was eating at me. I found out that my later class was canceled and felt elated. I called you to tell you but afterwards felt stupid and made an excuse of saying I couldn't remember why I had called. I continued on in my pathetic sustenance, saying how I didn't know what I was going to do with myself this weekend. You told me to give my friends a call, I responded with hesitation and said I would figure it out. I was playing such an obvious and pitiful game so that when after we disconnected, the text you sent me asking to hang out later that night if I'd like left me feeling embarassed and guilty because I knew that you knew. You knew I just wanted to see you. I left for my house at a time where the traffic is wicked, but didn't care because I couldn't sit around and wait anymore. I got home some time after the sun had set and my mother's brother and sister, two out of the nine, came over. One was just dropping off the other for living accomodations, for my aunt had flown in from the sunset state and we offered her a place to stay, as always. The effect being back to the place I had grown up in was not the one I had expected. I myself was starting to feel detached. Soon after dinner, I fell asleep not knowing what else to do with myself. I woke up some time later, and started to text you. You replied with saying you had been home for sometime and I was grief stricken because the promised phone call and request to get together had not fallen through. I continued to let my mind wander and once again felt the hot tears that I thought were finished with, falling down my face. You said you wanted to come to my grandmother's wake or funeral. I repeatedly said no, that you didn't have to, that you should be with the people you love, not at a wake. You weren't recieving my messages fast enough so I called you to reiterate my point. You heard the sadness in my voice, and asked if I was okay. I said I didn't know. We hung up and after some time I told you the truth. That I did truly wanted you to go and be there for me but felt that it just wasn't a good idea. All of a sudden you changed the subject to my family and what time I'd be falling asleep. I knew what you were getting at but didn't believe that what you were doing would actually happen. You asked if I needed comfort and I said I didn't know. You said I did and I heard your car outside my house, your surprise ruined, my feelings confirmed.
"I got you. Open up your door."
It's funny how someone you love with all your being can make you feel better in a matter of seconds. We didn't talk about anything, just acted naturally and you were awfully silly in the most wonderful way. I missed you so much. In the beginning, I felt distanced from you, you sitting on the bed and me sitting on a chair a ways off. As time went by, we got closer and closer until finally we were back in our old role, with you scratching my back. Something I missed so terribly. Now, with all I had felt through this, what was happening seems awfully masochistic but it really wasn't. I was reassured that the feelings were still there, it just wasn't our time. We fell back together, and when you said you were going to go, I was sad that you were going to leave so soon. I just wanted to be with you so badly, I hated the idea of you leaving. You ended up staying for longer and I was so happy you did. Our bodies said goodbye to each other with a feeling of maybe they would meet again, but for now, they were free to roam. It was such a beautiful release and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
My grandma's wake was today. Picking out funeral attire was frustrating and from noon till 10 at night, I was devoted to my family and remembering. When we first got there it was so hard because seeing what had become of such a beautiful living person and knowing she would never be coming back to us, was so distressing. Seeing my mother and all her siblings, all people that I loved greatly, cry with such grief shaking their bones, made me so sick with sorrow. But after a while things got much better. With such a big family, the room was packed and the volume was compared to that of a bar. Being an irish family, more jokes about beer being served were made. It really was not bad at all.
Today was the day you were to see Her. You told me when you would be turning off your phone so that if I tried to reach you, I wouldn't worry. I greatly appreciated that. I thought having such a long day, exhaustion would make my conscious blank the moment my head hit the pillow. But as I was laying there, sleep came nowhere near me and a knot in my stomach started to grow, larger and larger.
The cause being my grandmother's funeral happening tomorrow and also the fact that you have yet to receive my texts. I'm nervous about all the tears my family, including myself, will be shedding tomorrow. But also worried about what happened between you and Her. If your prediction of hatred was right. Or if my prediction of passion was right. Either way, I just hate not knowing. And I just feel as though your comforting words could ease me to sleep. But here I am stuck with my conscious and a laptop.
That night, my grandmother passed away. It seemed so unfair, that everything around me was rotting away. My faithful mother was with her everyday until the end. I felt guilt in not being there for her as much as I should have. Not just during this period of time, but through our relationship in its entirety. I always drew a line at getting close with my mother and I regret it so much. I wasn't so much sad as I was about the death but of the fact that my mother's mother was gone, and I could not imagine the grief that would bring to her and her nine siblings. I told you what had happened and was flooded again with your I'm sorry's and condolences. All I wanted was to go home but with a family that never connected on a personal level, my house was just a place I lived with people I had trust in to keep me safe. Home is where you true heart lies and to me, as I had told you previously before, home was with you. But, since you were no longer there for me as you had been before, I just wanted the comfort of a bed where my crying was not so easily heard through such thin walls in which I was residing between. The next day, I went through the day, not too upset because we were still talking, but I felt a detachment from you that was eating at me. I found out that my later class was canceled and felt elated. I called you to tell you but afterwards felt stupid and made an excuse of saying I couldn't remember why I had called. I continued on in my pathetic sustenance, saying how I didn't know what I was going to do with myself this weekend. You told me to give my friends a call, I responded with hesitation and said I would figure it out. I was playing such an obvious and pitiful game so that when after we disconnected, the text you sent me asking to hang out later that night if I'd like left me feeling embarassed and guilty because I knew that you knew. You knew I just wanted to see you. I left for my house at a time where the traffic is wicked, but didn't care because I couldn't sit around and wait anymore. I got home some time after the sun had set and my mother's brother and sister, two out of the nine, came over. One was just dropping off the other for living accomodations, for my aunt had flown in from the sunset state and we offered her a place to stay, as always. The effect being back to the place I had grown up in was not the one I had expected. I myself was starting to feel detached. Soon after dinner, I fell asleep not knowing what else to do with myself. I woke up some time later, and started to text you. You replied with saying you had been home for sometime and I was grief stricken because the promised phone call and request to get together had not fallen through. I continued to let my mind wander and once again felt the hot tears that I thought were finished with, falling down my face. You said you wanted to come to my grandmother's wake or funeral. I repeatedly said no, that you didn't have to, that you should be with the people you love, not at a wake. You weren't recieving my messages fast enough so I called you to reiterate my point. You heard the sadness in my voice, and asked if I was okay. I said I didn't know. We hung up and after some time I told you the truth. That I did truly wanted you to go and be there for me but felt that it just wasn't a good idea. All of a sudden you changed the subject to my family and what time I'd be falling asleep. I knew what you were getting at but didn't believe that what you were doing would actually happen. You asked if I needed comfort and I said I didn't know. You said I did and I heard your car outside my house, your surprise ruined, my feelings confirmed.
"I got you. Open up your door."
It's funny how someone you love with all your being can make you feel better in a matter of seconds. We didn't talk about anything, just acted naturally and you were awfully silly in the most wonderful way. I missed you so much. In the beginning, I felt distanced from you, you sitting on the bed and me sitting on a chair a ways off. As time went by, we got closer and closer until finally we were back in our old role, with you scratching my back. Something I missed so terribly. Now, with all I had felt through this, what was happening seems awfully masochistic but it really wasn't. I was reassured that the feelings were still there, it just wasn't our time. We fell back together, and when you said you were going to go, I was sad that you were going to leave so soon. I just wanted to be with you so badly, I hated the idea of you leaving. You ended up staying for longer and I was so happy you did. Our bodies said goodbye to each other with a feeling of maybe they would meet again, but for now, they were free to roam. It was such a beautiful release and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
My grandma's wake was today. Picking out funeral attire was frustrating and from noon till 10 at night, I was devoted to my family and remembering. When we first got there it was so hard because seeing what had become of such a beautiful living person and knowing she would never be coming back to us, was so distressing. Seeing my mother and all her siblings, all people that I loved greatly, cry with such grief shaking their bones, made me so sick with sorrow. But after a while things got much better. With such a big family, the room was packed and the volume was compared to that of a bar. Being an irish family, more jokes about beer being served were made. It really was not bad at all.
Today was the day you were to see Her. You told me when you would be turning off your phone so that if I tried to reach you, I wouldn't worry. I greatly appreciated that. I thought having such a long day, exhaustion would make my conscious blank the moment my head hit the pillow. But as I was laying there, sleep came nowhere near me and a knot in my stomach started to grow, larger and larger.
The cause being my grandmother's funeral happening tomorrow and also the fact that you have yet to receive my texts. I'm nervous about all the tears my family, including myself, will be shedding tomorrow. But also worried about what happened between you and Her. If your prediction of hatred was right. Or if my prediction of passion was right. Either way, I just hate not knowing. And I just feel as though your comforting words could ease me to sleep. But here I am stuck with my conscious and a laptop.
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